In the words of Primal scream ‘This is a beautiful day, it is a new day’
Following the emotional collapse of yesterday I have woken up feeling slightly more accepting of Amsterdam (it is not out to get me).
I think what I can learn from yesterday is that I am becoming more accepting of when I am feeling blue, because although I felt as rubbish as a young adult in the 21st century can feel when they lose their sense of direction, I am fully aware that these moments don’t fully define who I am. They don’t mean everything I have achieved disappears and most importantly they don’t disregard my potential for a future. I am more allowing and forgiving of negative feelings in the moments when they arise and fully consume me, (hence the slightly pathetic piece posted yesterday) and in recognition of these things I feel a little lighter today.
I’ve had an emotional rollercoaster of a week, including a silent weeping fiasco in my lecture when my sweet, lovely and kind lecturer handed me her red leather jacket to wear in the middle of class because I was so god damn cold. I’ve dropped out of a module that required a political science background that I do not own and was going to require copious amounts of background reading. (Yes, I have spent 50 euros on the text book and yes, I don’t think I will get that money back because little old me took to underlining a few key phrases BUT, my time table is looking a lot freer and more realistic and hey if I ever fancy some light reading on world politics than I’ve got just the ticket). I turned down an invitation to go out drinking with the only girl I had acquainted myself with in five whole days. (My only social invite of the week was passed because I prioritised my 1. Physical health and 2. Mental health. Clicks for me). I’ve also had to continuously mentally re-evaluate my decisions for living in a building with no social area which has clearly debilitated me in the whole making friend’s department.
There are other difficulties I am still getting to grips with, but hey, I’m not here to dwell in the negatives today. I’m to remind my self that it is okay to feel like shit sometimes and when you remember that, chances are you won’t feel as shit when you do.
Oh, I’ve also began to contemplate a direction for this blog.
How to live unencumbered-ly; an attempt my E. Prose
To be unencumbered I’ve decided might have to my life goal. I had my first taste of it this summer when all my duties, obligations, responsibilities and burdens suddenly felt lifted and I swanned around partially naked sunbathing in the intense heat that blessed my days worrying about whether I had ate too many stuffed vine leaves or whether the local sellseverythingyouwant store would have the shea butter that I religiously lathered myself in every day in stock. Don’t get me wrong, I had a job, I was regularly volunteering, and I had a responsibility to my sister given I was living in her jurisdiction but I had cultivated a sort of element of bliss and I am going to work to get it back.
How can I achieve this in Amsterdam? Well it’s definitely not going to be the same is it, partially due to the fact winter is fast approaching but also because the massive fat crushing weight of doing a degree hangs pretty heavy on any students’ shoulders for 9 months out of 12. Saying that, I want to give it a go. There are a couple of things I have in mind and they are as banal as refusing to wear any sort of wired clasp around my chest in an optional form of suffocation and only buying one banana at a time. I’m only half kidding. Here is a phrase I thought particularly potent in elaborating what I mean.
Basically, life without the useless crap.
More on this to come. For now, lets celebrate the end of a period of feeling blue because we often notice it when it begins but we are less likely to take a moment to note the end.