To tell you the truth I am feeling completely lost,
I don’t know what to do with my time. There is the option of immersing my self into readings, readings I probably should do but don’t particularly want too. There is the option to go and walk around, but i’ve done that this morning and to tell you the truth it tired me out and make me feel sad. Turns out spending money is just not something that is going to give me joy. Why bother spending money on clothes when you have no mirror to evaluate whether it was worth it? clothes don’t make me happy. Feeling good does but I no longer feel good from executing an outfit. Well to be honest it just seems I have lost my capacity to execute anything at the moment. I had a brief look at some yoga classes and what I found horrified me. the site I ended up on made me feel shockingly insecure. Videos of pristine men and women with unbelievable aesthetic figures in beautiful ‘hipster’ backgrounds, I mean if I didn’t feel small and lost already turning up to a yoga studio with an array of attractive and bendy and put together Dutch people isn’t going to help is it? I have a lump in my throat.
Then there is this whole blog thing. Ive only posted twice now and its becoming a sort of pressure, I feel I should be writing on there, like all of these thoughts could go to some use but then I look at the website I’ve created and just see all of its flaws. The layout is crap and I don’t know how to fix it. There’s another bit of money that seems to have gone on nothing. I just feel like I’m in a sort of money vacuum at the moment. Everything has a price tag and nothing is making me happy. Even spending money on food. I spent £20 in Lidl yesterday and seem to have again come back with nothing substantial. I also stepped out of my comfort zone and bought a few things I either didn’t recognise or had not ate before, this did not go well. Inca berries are awfully sour, cucumber salad here is just a creamy fatty substance, I bought these little cubes of potatoes which turned out to be a failure and some sugar free mints which turned out to be liquorice sweets. Even my saucepan is failing me, my omelette today had bits of black stuff that had come of the bottom of the pan. I cant face having to buy another pan. I really can’t.
It’s weird, the little things I have noticed I am still doing. I still check the weather on the BBC’s website. Why? Because I don’t know the Dutch alternative. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Agh, the water works again. It seems I am feeling the pressure of doing things alone. I want someone to sit with me and show me how to make my blog pretty. I want someone to come with me to a yoga class. I want someone to show we me where I can start volunteering. I want someone to help me buy a bike and show me how to ride it so I don’t hurt myself. I want someone to come to a Dutch class with me and remind me what please and thank you is when I’m about to buy something. I want someone to tell me stop buying things because its not making you happy. I want someone I who can provide me an excuse of not cooking and eat out with me. I’m an emotional mess. One moment I seem okay and the next I am this. Nothing seems quite grounded here and by that I mean me.
‘The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it’.
Food for thought.